Would You Like Some Chivalry With That?

When I think of chivalry I of course think of a huge, gaping puddle and a man throwing down his jacket into it to save some young woman from mucking up her beautiful heels (which, if you’re anything like me, you have many).  I don’t think men should ruin their perfectly good jackets, however, if a man offered me his hand or even to carry me over this imaginary puddle, I would be (though I may not accept) fictionally thrilled.  These days I’m surprised to get a text message that uses correct spelling, grammar, and says something other than, “where you at?”  Technology, social standards, and cultural differences all come into play when the topic of chivalry comes up.  How much is too much?  How little is too little? Is it women, men, or both who have changed it for better or worse? 

I personally love chivalry.   I adore having doors opened for me, hands held out to help me step down, and having the delight of being the first to walk into an elevator or room.  Not only does it make me feel appreciated, but it can also help avoid an awkward situation.  I realized this after a situation when a guy that I was dating did not open a door for me.  He went in first and I got a door slammed in my face.  It took him twenty minutes to realize I wasn’t in the room, and even though there were more negative factors involved than the lack of chivalry, I did have to say, “That’s why you always make sure that the woman you’re with goes first!”  I didn’t stick around for him to make the mistake twice, but I hope he learned his lesson.  After this particular event, I had to ask myself, “What is it that makes one man incredibly thoughtful and another completely oblivious?”  My feelings are, of course, a couple of things.

The first, and I believe most apparent, is upbringing.  I feel that if parents do not present their kids with the ideals of chivalry (among other things) it does not become a habit forming behavior and then isn’t implemented throughout life.  And, who brings up children?  They say it takes a village but today I’m going to concentrate on mothers.  I feel like some women have forgotten how to raise their boys into respectful men.  I know that at some point kids grow up and have a mind of their own and I certainly don’t have any children, however, I do have male friends.  I feel like the male friends I have who have good relationships with their mothers, and their mothers are the types that always seek to promote courteous manners (from their children and significant others), are the ones who not only open doors, but do much more as well.  I constantly hear about men, “he’s a really great guy, but that’s because he is the only guy, and has three older sisters.”  There’s always an exception, but it cannot be denied that the influence of women is incredibly important.  Because of this, I feel like women haven’t completely killed chivalry, but do have an important role in keeping it alive.   

Secondly, I have been lucky enough to have been born well after women’s liberation.  I don’t know what it’s like to have my ass slapped at the workplace or be called doll, darling, or toots by a coworker.  I know that because of this, women took an extreme turn and stepped in front of Bob, Joe, and Charlie and opened the door for themselves.  I am in awe of the women who were brave enough to stand up for our rights to be independent thinkers and do something other than be homemakers.  Still, I feel like those days (though not forgotten) are (for the most part) over.  I understand that I can open the door for myself, but I can also cook for myself, yet I still go to restaurants.  In addition, women who don’t say thank you when men (or anyone, including myself) open doors, help carry bags, or hold out a helping hand, drive me crazy.  I always remain calm but I fantasize about letting the door go and a cartoon version of that person flying back.   

Furthermore, I have been lucky enough to be alive during an incredible time of technological advances, however, this helps and hinders chivalry .  Text messaging has become the fastest and most used form of communication, and though text messaging provides a great many ways around chivalry, (being a safety net, less personal, and much faster form of reaching someone) it should be even better than actual verbal communication because you have time to read them, out loud, and decide whether it’s thoughtful or thoughtless.  A huge issue is tone of voice.  It is extremely difficult to decipher in writing and can lead to issues that even I'm not immune to.  The best form of communication is one on one.  So pick up the phone and set a date for a date (and don't text it)!  

Last but not least, plain ol' bad manners and the women who accept them.  If you're over twenty one years of age, then guess what- you have control over your behavior.  We also have control over the behavior that we will accept.  If enough women let Mr. Right-Now know that if he doesn't start acting like Mr. Right he'll be ignored, then guess what, he'll probably start playing his cards right or at least try a different hand.  I know that going from boyhood into manhood is a difficult journey, and one I will never experience, but I truly believe that a right of passage for all adults is learning to treat the people around you in a mature and gracious way.  I'm not expecting a Knight's Templar to come galloping out of a ceremony of manhood, bouquet and sword in hand (though that would get my attention) but, especially these days, a little gallantry goes a long way.